Who's Touching Pooh?

FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN SO FAR...

Robot Rock

I got it on with a robot. Watch. 

The gentleman who captured this moment is Matt Singer. 
http://matt-singer.com/blog/

Greg Sullo  has a beat machine, but is not a robot.
http://www.myspace.com/dinosaurfeathers

Two of my favorite musicians.

I love them both.

As Of Today....

ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE

Number of days without an Obama Cover: 0

AMERICA

7 Years, 1month and 7 Days Accident Free

Unless You Count:

You Must Be An Idiot

The odds that this conversation actually took place in the last two weeks are both highly likely and deeply depressing. 

Person A

Hey, So what movie do you want to see?

Person B

I'm not sure, what's playing?

Person A

Ed Harris made a film with Viggo Mortenson called "Appaloosa" that looks good.

Person B

"Appaloosa"? Sounds like a loosa. Next. 

Person A

We could see Rock'n'Rolla, the new Guy Richie film. Gerard Butler is in it and it really looks like Richie is back on his game. 

Person B

Isn't that Madonna's Wife? Pass. 

Person A

How 'bout "Burn After Reading"?

Person B

How 'bout "Burns When I'm Peeing"? If i have to sit through another 3 hour Coen brothers film then thats what will happen.

Person A

Bill Maher's Documentary "Religulous", he goes around the world and interviews people of different faiths and exposes the irrationality of the religious?

Person B

Sounds retardiculous, at least I won't have to put up with his bullshit in Heaven. Alu Akbar!

Person A

Woody Allen has "Vicky Christina Barcelona" with Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz who is supposed to be amazing in this or we could see her other film "Elegy" where she falls for Sir Ben Kingsley, also great reviews.

Person B

No to the first one because I'm sick of watching old ass Allen molest the young Scarlett with his lens. And No to the second one for, pretty much, the same reasons. But I'm not against older men being with young women.

Person A

"Blindness"?

Person B

Perfect title, I wouldn't want to see it anyway.

Person A

"The Duchess"?

Person B

Keira Knightley in a corset, how Novel. 

Person A

"Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist?

Person B

 Maybe I'll buy the soundtrack.

Person A

........

Person B

Look at that. I'll watch that. I don't even need to know what that's about. That's perfect. That is what i want to see. Everything else pails in comparison to that. 

We have to see that. 

Person A

See what?

#1 At the box office for 2 weeks. 

During the worst financial crisis in America since the Depression millions of people lined up and paid $12 not including popcorn and pop to see this. 

Well, do we then not deserve to be exactly where we are?

 Hmm?

+

=

Only 25 Days!

If you had a friend who was only going to be alive for 25 days you would spend every one of those last moments with them wouldn't you. 

Come on,

You few people who stumble on my blog are good natured, moral and well adjusted (sure).

Well my friend Kevin Tor has only 25 more posts going up on his Anchorman 2 Blog!

Kevin Tor.

Lothario?

Me thinky so?

25! 

And then no more.

Don't wait.

Don't say you'll "get around to it".

Go!

Get it while it's hot. 

Leave him a sweet comment on all his posts and watch his videos on youtube.

He's Lauren Graham Approved!

My Email

I've gotten some anonymous comments from people I do know (GRIFF!)  and others who I don't so I will always put my email at the bottom of my posts so you can reach me. 

CHRISSIFFLET@GMAIL.COM 

please still leave your awesome comments

Schizo!

I would like to apologize to the following people:

Kevin
Ces
Matt
Suzanne
Anybody who's reading this

One day we were filming a sketch that Ces wrote and we were having a great time until I screwed it up. I honestly wasn't thinking and the whole thing was just a mess..... and ........well............ just look for yourself.


Going to the Bad Place from Chris SIfflet on Vimeo.

chrissifflet@gmail.com

Christopher Scott Jolie-Pitt

It's been a long time blog. 

I was gone for a while and for good reason. 

I was sick and tired of being broke. 

My wallet was shrinking.

My waist was doing likewise.

Energy? It came from blue and silver cans. 

I couldn't take it....

so i packed up all my nothing and infiltrated the Pitt-Jolie compound as their newest son. 

All in all they live a pretty normal existence; Home theatre with stadium seating inside of a stadium made of recycled set pieces from Lars Von Triers "Dogville" (very avant garde),  Crown molding made of crowns, Sub-Zero refrigerator with Keith Cooke frozen inside, Panic room, Calm room, The room we were never EVER allowed to go in no matter how loud the screams for help were.........

The drawing room, the sketch room (unfinished), the doodle room, scribble room, elbow room, leg room, the "you are now free to move about the cabin" room,  The room of endless tears (piso mojado mo'fucka), and my favorite The Danger Room! They actually live next to Professor Xavier's lesser known "School for the Gifted and Extra Extra Special". The children have powers like; "Mahtadanman" (Mastodon Man) he turned into an extinct elephant trapped inside of a glacier.........once, or "Imbreded Spyguy" (Inverted Spike Guy) 17 years old and his highly uncontrollable power is that his skin makes spikes that impale his insides over and over and over again, there's "Have you seen my baseball?" Kid, I love him i hope he never finds it, and finally Jubilee who makes pretty sparkles with her hands. 

Xavier, he seldom comes. 

Here are my sometimes brief diary entries during my Pitt-Jolie life. 

DAY 1

I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!II'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!I'M RICH! I'M RICH! I'M RICH!

DAY 2

Holy Crap in heaven. It's lights out diary. All of us kids sleep in the same room and Brad and Mom came in and said goodnight. And then, MICHAEL FRIGGIN CAINE! He walks in sits in the middle of the room and tells us all a story about how he'd "gone off" on these two "birds" who "was  a couple of wankers" and how he didn't do anything with them because he was "piss knackered". He took a couple huffs of ether and stumbled to the door and said "Good Night, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England and you bloody toppers!" Then he spat at the ground and shut the door. 

Day 3

We had to leave home to go bring water to a village in bumfuck nowhere africa. Ugh. Nothing to write about today i guess. 

Day 4

Still in Africa.

Day 5

AFRICA!

Day 6

Chappelle really came here, what for? SET-ME-FREE!

Day 7

Not the right audience to make an AIDS joke to.....................................africa.

Day 8

(earlier today) And we are back! It was my day to get Jennifer Anniston off the grounds. She tried to sleep with me..........i caved. My penis smells like "been there done that". I'm gonna have to keep clear of Brad today. Fuck. She's not even one of my top ten celebrity outs. (Later that night) He knows. He knows. He can smell my dick. He can smell my muthafuckin' DICK!

Day 9

Ok i still am referring to my brothers and sisters as the asian one, the black one, love child , the one who only eats pho and thing 1 and thing 2.

Day 10

I've been asked to leave because according to Mom and Brad I am; Loud, Insensitive and Racist. I said "No, this is because I had sex with Aniston isn't it?" and then they look all shocked. "What do you mean you slept with Aniston?" Shouts Mom and I yell "Brad could smell my Dick! Besides I've always wanted to because she was so hot in Hocus Pocus." Theres a pause. Brad says, "That was Sara Jessica Parker you idiot." I cry "Goddamnit! What the hell happened to those two?!" I politely made my exit. I don't talk to the family anymore but Michael Caine and i still write one another. Although I'm not sure if he remembers who I am. 

And that my friends is how you justify an extended absence from updating your trifle blog. 

 

Something's Missing Mom and Brad!

Howard The Dick

I have a joke based on an interview from ELLE Magazine in 2005 with terrence howard. I'm not going to write the joke out instead I've posted some of the best parts. Keep in mind that this is a straightforward Q&A. GO. 

ELLE: Nice girl. What does your ideal woman look like?
TH: I like women who look like me. Generally, you're attracted to women who look like you, because the most beautiful thing in nature is your own reflection.
ELLE: So…you like a lady with a pencil moustache?
TH: No, but a woman who shares my features.

Terrence Howard's Perfect Woman (pictured above)

ELLE: What one item could you find in a woman's house that would prove that you weren't compatible?
TH: Toilet paper—and no baby wipes—in her bathroom.
ELLE: Wait. I don't think I understand.
TH: If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go inside a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean.

In the Howard Home It's "No luvs, no love"

ELLE: You were married very young, got divorced, and then spent years trying to get your ex back, got together again a few years ago, but are now apart. What happened?

TH: I realized why she divorced me in the first place. I was in love with her, but she was not in love with me. I can't be upset because she doesn't find me the most beautiful thing on the planet. But I don't look much like her, so I understand that.
ELLE: Do you think her not being in love with you had anything to do with your cheating when you were first married?
TH: Yeah, I'm sure lack of trust, lack of fidelity did. But I guess we all have to go through that at times.
ELLE: What's the angriest you've ever seen a woman?
TH: When you see a woman go in the kitchen and get a knife, that's pretty angry.
ELLE: You think she was prepared to use it?
TH: I didn't stick around long enough to find out.

LADIES?!

When Hipsters Attack!

My friends Morgan Venticinque and Kevin Tor made a video at one of the sound stages of NYU. We didn't know what to do with the set at first and then came up with this on the fly. Enjoy.



You may know Kevin from his very awesome Anchorman 2 blog which you can find a link to on the right hand of the screen. Thats right, your right. Ada Boy.

I Hit On A Tranny And Let Everybody Watch It. So?

Last Night I made myself do something I've never done. I made a promise to tape my set and whether good or bad put it online.

In the clip you get to see me be introduced by a couple of serial killers, unknowingly hit on a tranny, have a joke interrupted by a man with a funny lisp, and go bat-shit crazy about starbucks.

There were only seven people at the show but with you watching, geez, who knows how many more tens of people have seen it.

GOOD FRIDAY SCRIPT PART 5

Welcome, If you're just tuning in I am writing a script based on the Freaky Friday story except instead of a mother and daughter switching places its a small 11 year old boy and the priest who molested him. Its a comedy. 

This entry was tough for me. Already knowing everything thats in the plot and about the characters it was still very hard because this is the build up to the exchange. Again, every time I get to write another entry it always gets better and this is by far the most visual entry. I'll keep this ball rolling along. Enjoy the video that ties into the ending. 

EXT. Tatchi House- Night

The street lamps bulb begins to flicker and burns out.

The only light can be seen from the porch where a dark figure waits.

Int. Kevin's Room-Night

He's lying on his bed.

Satisfaction. The type that makes you cross your arms behind your head and fold your legs.

He replays this mini episode in his mind. The bike, the garage, the movie. He gets to the end and his fat grin turns into a thin smile and dies into a worried frown.

KILEY (V.O.)
I really wish you were older kiddo.

INT. KITCHEN- NIGHT

The carton of ice cream has oozed out a river of condensation over the wooden table.

Kate pulls out the soaked spoon and licks it clean.

KATE
Want some?

Father Blesieu takes the bucket and carefully caps it like he's changing a diaper.

FATHER BLESIEU
Mrs. Tatchi please reconsider.

KATE
No, I don't think Kevin wants to do the confirmation thing.

Using only his fingertips Father Blesieu floats the ice cream to the freezer.

FATHER BLESIEU
Well he may not want to at first but then we'll have youth meetings and field trips. We will go out into the middle of nowhere for weeks at a time and I'll show him that being confirmed really isn't that bad.

KATE
Why are you asking me, isn't this a decision Kevin should make on his own?

INT. KEVIN TATCHI BEDROOM- NIGHT

Kevin's staring into a full body mirror against his door.

KEVIN
(buff)
What goods an older man gonna do? At least you know with me there's a good chance you'll die before me.
(Normal)
Thats dumb

Next try

KEVIN
Kiley, c'mon out with the old and in with the ne-young. Shit.

New tactic

KEVIN
Ok I know that when you're 18 i'll be 14 and it'll be a little weird for you having sex with a minor but hey- been there done that!

INT. HALLWAY- NIGHT

Kate and the priest stand near the door. A picture of her husband is nearby.

FATHER BLESIEU
Tomorrow will have been a year.

Kate picks up the photo.

KATE
Yes.
(Pregnant pause)
Look tomorrow we are having a dinner...thing, if you'd like-

FATHER BLESIEU
I'll be here. I'll talk to Kevin then.

He lets himself out.

She walks to her room gripping the frame.

EXT. OLD CHURCH- NIGHT

The moon is pierced by the long steeple.

Crickets moan as the winds blow through their legs and bring the clouds.

INT- FATHER BLESIEU'S LIVING ROOM

Grisly looking wood covers the walls.

Old furniture like grandma used to have and a T.V. from Bedrock.

Dark, with a stained-yellow tint. What is this a motel?

He sticks in an tape and sits back in his lazy boy. His Childhood memories.

INT. KEVIN TATCHI BEDROOM- NIGHT

Kevin flops onto bed, reaches for the remote and on flashes the tube. A movie.

INT. HOTEL ROOM- DAY

Large room. Queen size bed. Bucket of ice on the table, clothes on the floor the whole shebang.

A man lays asleep in bed.

The showers running.

INT. FATHER BLESIEUS LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

He watches as a younger version of himself plays with a garden hose.

Spraying himself in the face and shooting the cameraman or camera woman.

He is filled with a sense of warmth and nostalgia.

INT. HOTEL SHOWER- DAY

A hand turns the nozzle and stops the water.

Same hand grabs a towel off the rack.

INT. KEVIN TATCHI BEDROOM- NIGHT

Kevin turns off the lights in his room and now all that illuminates it are the images on the screen.

INT. HOTEL ROOM- DAY

The man is stirred and awakes.

The woman enters wearing just the towel.

MAN
What time is it?

Woman
Noon.

Man
What did you take a shower for?

The man removes the sheets and the woman climbs on top of him.

Woman
To get clean.

She opens her towel at the front and lays on top of him.

INT. KEVIN TATCHI BEDROOM- NIGHT

Kevin locked in.

This is getting hot.

INT. FATHER BLESIEUS LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

He gets up out from his chair leaving the T.V. on.

On screen the boy is running around a park with other children. They are hugging and having the times of their lives. One of them is definitely.

INT. HOTEL ROOM- DAY

The man flips the woman over and sits up in front of her. He laughs.

WOMAN
What's wrong.

MAN
You're gonna have to take another shower.

They embrace.

Commercial break.

EXT. OLD CHURCH- NIGHT

The clouds are fixed.

There is silence.

INT. CHURCH ALTER- NIGHT

Father Blesieu kneels.

The crucifix is over-sized and too realistic for most of the people who attend. They stare at each other.

FATHER BLESIEU
I wish i was young again.

INT. KEVIN TATCHI BEDROOM- NIGHT

Kevin, cross legged and hands folded, on the bed he faces skyward with his eye's closed.

Squeezing out his will and letting it go with an exhale.

INT. CHURCH BATHROOM- NIGHT

Father blesieu standing upright with his head facing skyward one hand on the ceiling the other clasped he lets out his relief with an exhale...

...and a flush

INT. FATHER BLESIEU BEDROOM- NIGHT

The priest holds the sheets to his neck and dozes off.

INT. KEVIN TATCHI BEDROOM- NIGHT

On the television a trailer for the film "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" airs.

Kevin sleepily watches it.

Narrator
In the new millenium, Vampires no longer fear the sun.

His eyes are heavy.

NARRATOR
Now they're going to learn. It's Time....

His eyes shut completely and his head drops to the side.

NARRATOR
To fear....

EXT. BEACH- DAY

The Beach is crowded with Vampires all standing in a crescent. Rising from the ground is Kevin Dressed as Jesus Christ.

NARRATOR
The Son of GOD!

GOOD FRIDAY SCRIPT PART 4

This is another entry in the script about a boy who trades places with the priest who molests him. Its kind of a comedy. 

This go around i tried to develop more of a descriptive narrative which counters my- "is this supposed to be a play?"- format from before. It's still not perfect but i had so much more fun writing this way and it really helped the scenes. I feel like it gives the characters another life as well. I'm learning as i type. 

FATHER BLESIEU 

There you are. 

Natural instinct makes her put the machine into reverse.

His genitals mesh against the bikes backseat in the bad way... Crash.

A few feet from where he wanted to be, the priest slowly rises.

She switches gears and flips the beast 180 degrees to face the monster.

KILEY 

You freaking perve. What are you 

doing outside of KEVIN’s house? 

FATHER BLESIEU 

I’m the head of the Neighborhood 

Night Watch. 

Like a hostage negotiator, he steps closer.

Like a person of intelligence she pulls out her blade

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 19. 

KILEY 

If you stayed at home the 

neighborhood wouldn’t need 

watching.This whole town is going 

to find out about what you do. 

FATHER BLESIEU 

How, are you going to tell them? 

You’re just a little girl with an 

overactive imagination. I’m their 

Priest and much much more than that 

I am their confidant. This place 

has more secrets than you know and 

plenty of people who would look the 

other way to keep them safe.Do you 

think a child’s words can outweigh 

my impact on this community? No one 

will believe a stupid little child, 

so don’t even try it. You’ve gotten 

in my way once and that’s enough. 

I’m warning you- 

"Fuck that knife" he thinks as he steps forward

A counter-strike with a jolt of the machine stops his advance.

KILEY 

No Priest. I’m warning you. If i 

see you anywhere near me again, 

I’ll kill you. This knife will be 

the ultimate molestor and will 

carve a scarlet "R" all over your 

face. Don’t believe me? Test me. 

You’d better make it your new 

mission on this rotting earth to 

stay out of my line of vision 

because i’m after you. This stupid 

little girl isn’t going to fondle 

you, she’s gonna fuck you with 

sharp metal and then she’s gonna 

kill you. Grow Up, Grown up! 

The tires cut past him and skid only feet away.

She would have killed herself if she left without saying...

KILEY 

I should cut your hands off for 

touching Kevin. 

Well, maybe not kill herself.

Disappears down the sleeping street.

20. 

He looks at his crotch, smiles and thinks "she should cut off more then that"

INT. KEVIN TATCHI BEDROOM- NIGHT

No one lives here right now but its been visited, the lights are on.

On top of the still made comforter is a note; "We Need To Talk - MOM"

INT- TATCHI KITCHEN- NIGHT

This has been cleaned more than once tonight.

Still, on the table there is an entire bucket of half eaten melting ice-cream with a large spoon falling to this side.

INT- TATCHI LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

An over-sized rod iron clock with menacingly obese hands indicating 12:30pm hangs over the television which has a digital cable box with the digital time directly underneath it. Phew.

The T.V. is off.

An old Christmas Card of a complete family is framed and glowing yellow under the glare of the table lamp. On it is written; "Merry Fucking Christmas from the Tatchi's". It once was funny.

KATE(O.S.) 

Pagers. Cell phones. No. GPS. Yes. 

I need to get that. 

A storm night inside.

She paces. All three males watch as she stalks.

KATE 

GPS chips installed into your brain 

stems. 

(Lightning) 

That way i wont have to worry about 

where the hell you are. I was 

having a goddamn panic attack and 

watching T.V. and that commercial 

came on that says "Its 11 o’clock 

do you know where your children 

are?" and I’m like 

(Thunder) 

Fuck no! 

Mitch’s Brain: "Dont say it, Don’t say it, Fuck you’re dumb"

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 21. 

MITCH 

She was watching To Catch A 

Predator. 

Audible wonder throughout the room.

KATE 

Mitchell. Don’t tell him that. 

MITCH 

What? It’s like torture. If my kid 

was missing i wouldn’t watch 

Without a Trace or Gone Baby Gone. 

KATE 

You went to see Forgetting Sarah 

Marshall last week with your 

girlfriend. 

MITCH 

So that has little to do with 

anything. 

KATE 

Whatever, You’re right a movie 

about a girl dating a loser who 

breaks up with him to be with 

another guy has nothing to do with 

you. Who else did you see it with 

mitch? 

He looks like he’s been walking around with his zipper undone.

MITCH 

Robbie? Naw. No. 

Clint comes to earth.

CLINT 

Robbie, the quarterback? He’s hot. 

Now he looks like his junk fell out of the zipper.

MITCH 

Screw this. 

Above it all he gets up.

Calmly picks up the cordless telephone. Exits.

Kate needed that.

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 22. 

KATE 

Kevin, is it true that you’re 

talking again. 

KEVIN 

I’m sorry mom. 

What she feels as she grabs her son can only be described as a joyful numbness that would have lasted all night if only...

The knocks at the door.

Milton Sadly

Happy 4th of July!

I spent it at home. I live in a not so great neighborhood so i played the game Fireworks or Gunshots? Ages 3+

After searching for a photo that contained bullets flying through the night sky and only finding horrible pictures of people sans faces I decided to go with something a bit lighter. I swear never to search for anything to do with guns ever again. 

GOOD FRIDAY SCRIPT PART 3

Today, there is a nod to the Spider-Man film. A bit of geek talk. And a great dream sequence. GASP!

12. 

EXT. HAINES HOME- EVENING

The green vespa pulls turns down the street and pulls into the driveway. KEVIN is resting his head on KILEY’s back.

KILEY 

You can let go now buddy. 

KILEY hops off and walks up to the brown paint-cracked garage door She uses a key to unlock it and pulls it open revealing a completed room with carpet, sofa, television a bed.

KILEY 

My folks got tired of all the noise 

i was making sneaking out. They 

thought it’d be better if i just 

moved into the garage. 

She pulls the bike inside. KEVIN begins looking around.

KILEY 

I guess it’s not the safest part of 

a house to live in which explains 

the knife. 

KEVIN looks at the many Japanese movie posters lining the walls and ceiling. KILEY sets the bike over by the remaining work table.

KILEY 

Help me with this. 

She picks up a ladder.

KILEY 

Hold it for me. I saved your life 

don’t let me die. 

KEVIN holds it and tries not to get caught looking at her as she climbs. She jumps into the rafters above and disappears into the darkness.

KILEY 

That was it man. Pretty easy. Look 

around, I’ll be down in a second. 

KEVIN walks around the room. He sees the projector that faces towards the street. Cut Up Magazines in the trash can and an assortment of letters from the pages strewn over a desk. Spray Paint. Gas Mask. Powder Keg. A eisell with a canvas containing David Beckham's head on Victoria Beckham's nude body. A Ninja Turtles standing arcade game with a

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 13. 

cracked screen. Broken. Passes a drawer that says "OPEN". Looking inside KEVIN removes a light saber handle. Behind him a box falls. KEVIN turns and KILEY hangs down from a rafter
holding on with her legs. Face to Face.

KILEY 

Hey Tiger. Just kidding. 

She flips down.

KILEY 

Look at what you found. Check it 

out. I found that at a garage sale 

I guess the previous owner made 

some modifications. 

She reaches into the drawer.

KILEY 

When you attach this guy, see. I 

wouldn’t normally buy a vibrator at 

a garage sale but its freaking Star 

Wars man. 

It waves by KEVIN'S face

KILEY 

I love it i wanted to be able to 

use it all the time. So i made some 

adjustments. 

Detaches attachment and reaches inside drawer again.

KILEY 

And there we go. 

Now its a vibrating tooth-brush.

KILEY 

It really gets in all the hard to 

reach places if you know what i 

mean. 

KEVIN 

I’m Kevin. 

KILEY 

Finally, we meet. 

KEVIN 

Why were you at the- um... 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 14. 

KILEY 

I go to school there. I also swim. 

I was there to get in a little 

practice but there were a lot of 

old farts doing laps. By the time 

they got out there was an 

overabundance of blood so I split. 

Then i saw you, Kevin? 

KEVIN 

Kevin Tatchi. 

KILEY 

Are you japanese? 

KEVIN 

No. Do I look Japanese? 

KILEY 

Not at all, but I’m no racist. I 

love Japan. I love asian movies. 

KEVIN 

I love movies. 

KILEY 

Sure. You might really like movies 

but few people actually love them. 

KEVIN 

No, I love them. 

KILEY 

Best Horror film. 

KEVIN 

The Thing. 

KILEY 

Which one? 

KEVIN 

Kurt Russell, c’mon. 

KILEY 

Ok. Don’t come out of your shell 

too quickly. Best Trilogy. 

KEVIN 

Batman. 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 15. 

KILEY 

Isn’t that a little presumptive? 

KEVIN 

Sure but all my other choices for 

trilogies have been quadrilogied, 

legacied or prequeled to death. 

KILEY 

Lord of the Rings? 

KEVIN 

No. Besides they’re making two more 

hobbit movies. So right now i’m 

betting on batman. You? 

KILEY 

Evil Dead. 

KEVIN 

Nice. 

KILEY 

I know. Have you ever see Battle 

Royale?

KEVIN 

YES! 

KILEY 

I own it. 

The projector turns on. The garage door swings down revealing a large white curtain. Battle royale plays. 

So would you? 

KEVIN 

Would i what? 

KILEY 

Would you kill all of your friends 

to survive this cruel cruel game? 

KEVIN 

I, I don’t have- 

KILEY 

Wait here it comes. 

CUT TO 

16. 

INT. ABANDONED CLASSROOM- DAY

A cluster of students wearing japanese school uniforms are standing surrounded by armed guards. KEVIN is unconsious on the floor, he wakes up and grabs the metal collar around his
neck. FATHER BLESIEU is in the front wearing a track suit.

FATHER BLESIEU 

The only way back home is to kill 

everyone you know. If not the 

collar around your neck will 

explode. Come get your weapons when 

i call you. Nanahara. 

KEVIN see’s KILEY standing right next to him.

FATHER BLESIEU 

Ms. Haines and Mr. Tatchi. Good 

luck. 

They both run outside and look at their weapons.

KILEY 

Shit i got a lid, what’d you get. 

KEVIN 

A Machine gun. 

KILEY 

Whoa. 

KEVIN 

Follow me. I’ll never leave you. 

We’ll both make it out of here, 

together. 

MONTAGE

A boy runs to the top of a hill and waves at KEVIN and KILEY who smile back and then shoot him to pieces. KILEY gets his weapon which is a throwing axe. They come across an outhouse
with a rifle leaning on it outside and open the door to see a fat kid squating on it. They close the door tip it over and push it down the hill as KEVIN shoots at it. KILEY throws her axe without looking and it hits a girl with a megaphone. KILEY picks up the rifle and they begin walking
hand in hand. They eat a bowl of rice amid a slew of tiny corpses. KEVIN throws a grenade into a shack and bodies fly out of the explosion. Both of them begin hacking at people and blood sprays all over them. They dance in the falling blood. They approach the compound where FATHER BLESIEU is and KEVIN points his gun at him. Their collars begin to beep. KEVIN and KILEY look at eachother. GUNSHOT. KEVIN

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 17. 

looks at his chest and sees a large hole in it. KILEY lowers her gun.

KEVIN 

Why? 

She leans to his ear and says softly.

KILEY 

Oh, Kevin. You know why? 

CUT TO

INT. HAINES HOUSE-NIGHT

KEVIN is sleeping on the couch.

KILEY (O.S.) 

KEVIN wake up. 

KEVIN opens his eyes and sees a blue screen staring back at him. KILEY’s getting her bike.

KILEY 

Time to go home. 

KEVIN 

Did i fall asleep on you? 

KILEY 

No worries man. We both passed out. 

The kidnapping is over though time 

to go. Get on. 

CUT TO 

EXT. STREET-NIGHT

Kiley rides and Kevin sits bitch with his cheek against the back of her jacket. Smiling. They Pull over.

KILEY 

Is this the right address? 

KEVIN 

Yeah. 

KILEY 

Well, that’s that then. Good luck. 

KEVIN 

Wait. What are you doing tomorrow? 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 18. 

KILEY 

Tomorrow? Are you trying to make a 

date Kevin? 

KEVIN 

No, I was just wondering because we 

are having this lame dinner for 

Good Friday. We’re not even really 

religious but if you want to come 

it’s at 7. But i understand if you 

don’t. 

KILEY 

How old are you Kevin? 

KEVIN 

Eleven. 

KILEY 

Yeah, I don’t know man. I really 

wish you were older kiddo. Anyway 

get inside your Mom’s worried. 

KEVIN walks to his door looking back too much. He enters quietly. KILEY still on the street is about to start her bike when a hand grabs her hair.

FATHER BLESIEU 

There you are. 

Gary Busey And the Acronym Invasion

Hello Gary, it's a pleasure to meet you? (Gary Grabs My Hand)

M.E.E.T. means Making Everyone Easier to Touch.

That- Wow, thats a huge water bottle. Thats bigger than you Gary, are you dehydrated?

It's H.O.L.Y. Water. H is for Hydrating, O is for Oxidized, L is for Liquid and Y is to say that its Yours.

Is it fo-

I have the power to baptize. Yes! To give the spirit inside somebody a new beginning. The bottle isn't large, the universe is large and if the universe is large then we are small and this bottle is small. BUT! This bottle is as much a part of anything as anything else. So yes, I do have a water bottle.

I read recently that you were arrested for living in an abandoned train.

T-R-A-I-N. Temporary Residence Acquired for Interminable Nights.

Excellent use of hyperbole. I say that only because you spent one night there and an entire week in jail.

Punch up for me. Ten years ago one of his kind stalked and eliminated an elite special forces crew in central America. There were two survivors. They indicated that when trapped, the creature activated a self-destruct device that destroyed enough rainforest to cover 300 city blocks. Remarkable weaponry.

Are you quoting lines from Predator 2?

That's right lieutenant.

Lieutenant?

Other-world life-forms.

Gary, I think you're bat-shit crazy.

Crazy spelled H-E-L-P-M-E.

Wait, thats not how you spell crazy. I think he's trying to tell us something.

Lap.

Ok, Gary what does lap stand for.?

L is for large. A is for Alien. P is for Parasite.

Ok, go on.

E-M-B-A-S-S-Y. Enveloping My Brain And Sorry Save Yourselves!

Gary, Gary get up. What do you think he meant by th- HOLY HELL! Look at his head it's splitting open. Dear lord its the creature he was talking about. KILL IT! Use my shoe. Here. Wow, that worked easily enough. Sure it's dead? Give it another whack anyway. Weird. Well i guess that explains Gary Busey post Rookie of the Year.

This is insane

GOOD FRIDAY SCRIPT PART 2

Ok, Here's more. Typo's and all. Enjoy. 

KEVIN grabs the side of the pool and lifts his head. MITCH is sitting with his girlfriend as she has a great time with her friends. KATE is trying to serve kids Summer Rolls she obviously made.

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 7. 

KATE 

Its a summer roll. It’s really 

good. 

KID 

It looks like a turd. 

KATE 

You look like a turd. These are 

awesome. 

KID walks away. A dark figure appears behind KATE at his collar is a white square. KEVIN shrinks. The man hugs KATE who guestures to his direction. KEVIN submerges himself. Pulls and tightens his hoodie. Sits. A pair of swim trunks and a bikini bottom pass before his eyes. There are hands down both of them. KEVIN surfaces and the couple see’s him. Still hidden.

V.O. 

ADULT SWIM! Children out of the 

pool. This is Adult Swim only. 

Children begin leaving the pool and passing KEVIN. Standing now with his eyes turned on the priest who is talking to people as he walks through the crowd and easily meets KEVIN’s eyes. This song must play for the chase KEVIN turns and walks away from Him and ducks behind a bbq grill. KEVIN looks behind and see the Priest is close by. He sees a large rock. Picks it Up. Hurls it behind himself, over the bbq directly on to MITCH’s head as he passes the pool area. Knocking him inside. All the people including CLINT yell at him.

ALL 

ADULT SWIM! 

CLINT charges into the pool.

CLINT

I wanna do laps!

KEVIN books it over to the Shower Room. The PRIEST turns his head in time to see a blur. KEVIN grabs a soap on a rope. He runs to a shower stall and rips the curtain off the string its rung through. He Runs down the strip of stalls. The PRIEST Enters and sees the torn curtain and then all the curtains begin to fall one by one as the small rope that the rings looped around is pulled from out of the hallway. The PRIEST runs down the hallway. He comes to a stairway where wet footprints lead upward. KEVIN at the top of the building opens a window facing another balcony that is two stories lower. The Priest charges some stairs. KEVIN ties the soap on a rope to the large shower rope and hurls it across to a beam. The soap wraps around enough. KEVIN pulls it tight. The Priest hits the last flight and sees two doors. He peaks through one and then bursts through the last one to see the rope fastened to a duct above. He tests the strength. Looks across. Looks around. Thinks. Leaves. KEVIN is stuck behind

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 8. 

the door. He peers out at the pool area and spots KATE. He slowly makes his way over.

KATE 

KEVIN, you’re wet. Your brother 

cracked his head open i have to go 

check on him. I need you to help 

set up these picnic tables, I told 

Father Blesieu that you would help 

him. 

He shakes his head.

KATE 

Yes. Kevin, I need you to do this 

will you do this for me, please? 

KEVIN looks over and sees FATHER BLESIEU staring at him.
FATHER BLESIEU waves.

KATE 

Come on, kev. Take one for the 

team. 

KEVIN walks over to FATHER BLESIEU

FATHER BLESIEU 

Hello, KEVIN. Thank you for 

volunteering to help. Come, lets go 

out to the parking lot, thats where 

the picnic tables have been set. 

THEY ROUND THE CORNER AND STOP.  

I haven’t seen you or your family 

at Church in a few weeks. I was 

beginning to worry. The lord asks 

us only to come to church once a 

week, is it so hard to oblige Him? 

You’re young, so it’s not your 

fault entirely. I’m sure you 

noticed a peak in your attendance 

during your fathers illness and 

then a sudden drop. 

Have you asked why? Could it be 

because you only went to ask God to 

cure him? Yes, thats why. There was 

no other reason to stop attending. 

Was there? 

Kevin shakes his head.

You’re here now, that’s all that 

matters. 

FATHER BLESIEU crouches to KEVINS level

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 9. 

FATHER BLESIEU 

Did he ever tell you how 

handsome you are? How innocent your 

face is? But looking innocent and 

being, truly being innocent are 

very different things. And to miss 

the sabbath, KEVIN look at me, is a 

practice of the guilty. You can be 

forgiven, though. You just have to 

want it. I can help you to be 

forgiven. Let’s go. 

FATHER BLESIEU takes his keys from his pocket as he and KEVIN walk into the parking lot. They stop at a car and FATHER BLESIEU puts the key in the back door and unlocks it.

V.O. 

Step away from the kid, priest. 

FATHER BLESIEU turns and see’s 15 year old KILEY HAINES.

FATHER BLESIEU 

Hell, my name is FATHER BLESIEU. 

What is your name my child? 

KILEY 

None of your business. 

FATHER BLESIEU 

You are not a member of the church? 

KILEY 

(Laughs) 

No. I don’t party with people like 

you. Pedophile. 

FATHER BLESIEU 

Excuse me, have you seen me touch 

this boy or any other child? He simply asked to have confession which i can conduct anywhere i choose. Of course I wouldn't do it out here with so many prying ears. 

KILEY 

Man, i didn’t need to see anything. 

Isn’t that the basis of your whole 

religion anyway, belief and sight 

are separate, right? So, i’m taking 

the kid away from you now. 

FATHER BLESIEU 

Little one, the boys mother left 

him in my charge. You will not be 

taking him. 

KILEY pulls out a knife.

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 10. 

KILEY 

You see i looked at the boy, ok 

priest? I saw what most people 

couldn’t see. Fear. A lot like what 

i see in you right now. And i 

wondered, what would make that 

little boy happiest. I guess this 

works. 

KEVIN has a huge smile on his face. KILEY creeps over to him and grabs his wrist. KEVIN looks down at it. Nothing.

KILEY 

Alright kid, lets go. Old man, i’ll 

fuck you up if you come near us. 

She walks away holding onto KEVINS arm. And walk down the street.

KILEY 

Hi, I’m KILEY HAINES. 

KILEY begins removing large branches that are leaning against a bush to reveal a green vespa.

KEVIN 

You touched me. 

KILEY 

What? 

KEVIN 

You touched me. 

Kiley climbs onto her seat.

KILEY 

I know i don’t have much to grab 

onto but keep your hands off 

anything exciting. Or else. 

KEVIN 

What? 

KILEY 

Get on. 

KEVIN 

My mom. 

KILEY 

It’ll do everyone some good to 

worry about you. 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 11. 

KEVIN 

Don’t you need a license or 

something to use these? 

KILEY 

Yeah, probably. But my dad got it 

for me so who cares? Besides we’re 

young and not responsible for our 

actions. GET ON! 

KEVIN hops on. He holds his hands next to her sides unsure where to put them. KILEY grabs his hands and forces them onto her stomach. They ride off.

KATE 

You’re an Adult! 

FATHER BLESIEU 

KATE he ran off. He started talking 

about his father and the emotions 

just overwhelmed him. So he ran. 

KATE 

I charged you with the care of my 

child. A responsibility that you 

wanted and accepted. Now my son is 

missing because of you. You let him 

run away and did nothing. You don’t 

stand bye you run too Father. He’s 

the eleven year old, not you. You 

should have run. And if we don’t 

find him tonight you’d better ru- 

did you say he was talking? 

CUT TO

WHY DIDN'T KEVIN PISS HIS PANTS WHEN KYLIE TOUCHED HIM? WHO IS THIS KYLIE ANYWAY, AND WHERE IS SHE TAKING HIM? ALL THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE NEXT TIME.

GOOD FRIDAY SCRIPT PART 1

Hey, you didn't think i would do it and i haven't DONE it but i've started it. Thats right Six pages of Good Friday. The Story of a Child switching bodies with the priest that molested him. Oh boy. WARNING: If you couldn't guess already its kinda dark. So you don't have to read it...Chicken. I put an Indiana Jones reference in it "NUKE THE FRIDGE". And a Mariah Carey Song, you don't have to listen to it. This will be my first full script, a great career move. I'll post the pages the day i write them and not edit them. I'm going to GONZO this entire script.

Characters 

KEVIN: 11 years old, trouble communicating because he was molested. YES!

KATE: Early thirties. Status: Awesome. KEVINS mom.

MITCH: KEVINS bro. KATES other son, Duh. 17. Tool. 

CLINT: KATES father in Law. Age: Old.

BROTHER JAKE: Not the molester guy. Just a Jesus Freak. 

GIRL: Will play a good role in the story. And will have a real name.  

GOOD FRIDAY

INT. BEDROOM- MORNING

Small Room. Shades Shut. Movie Posters of Batman, Sin City,
V for Vendetta, Unbreakable, The Punisher and Taxi Driver
Wrap around the Bed Frame. 11 year old KEVIN is asleep
beneath the sheets. Knock at door.

KATE V.O. 

(Kevin. Time to wake up. 

(Beat)) 

Door Opens. KATE opens the curtains.

KATE 

Kev. Wake up right now. Let’s go. 

You’re going to miss youth group. 

Rips the comforter and sheet right off of him. KEVIN is
against the corner in the fetal position.

KATE 

Kevin! 

She reaches across and barely grazes his cheek. Jumping into
the right angle of the wall with his feet at the ready and
arms covering his face. Violently screaming. KEVIN is awake.

CUT TO 

INT. KITCHEN- MORNING

Muffled Screams are heard from upstairs. KEVINS brother
MITCH and their grandpa CLINT are eating breakfast.

CLINT 

What’s that? 

MITCH 

It’s just KEVIN? 

CLINT 

What? Is it an alarm? 

MITCH 

No its KEVIN! 

CLINT 

Heaven, Are we going to die? 

MITCH 

GOD-NO! 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 2. 

(YELLS UPSTAIRS) 

MOM!!! 

CLINT 

BOMB?! Quickly Mitch find shelter. 

I call shotgun on the fridge. 

CLINT opens the fridge and pulls everything out. Glass
Breaks. Screaming ceases. KATE runs downstairs.

KATE 

Mitch, What is it? What on earth 

happened here? 

MITCH 

Did you touch Kevin? You shouldn’t 

have done that. 

KATE 

Well he’s my son i can touch my 

son’s. 

KATE tousles MITCH’s hair.

MITCH 

Stop, seriously i just did it the 

way she likes it. 

Clearing the table.

KATE 

(groans) 

You are such a Ken doll for your 

little trophy girlfriend. 

MITCH 

Well she can dress me up however 

she wants as long as i get to wax 

the trophy. 

KATE 

You are so grounded until that 

image leaves my head. I can’t 

believe- 

Fridge falls over
(beat)

What’s going on? 

MITCH 

Grandpa locked himself in the 

fridge. 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 3. 

They both come to lift the fridge sideways to crack it
open. CLINT is lying on the back of the refridgerator door.
Asleep.

KATE 

Walt Disney! Wake up! Clint you 

idiot. 

KEVIN slowly walks into the kitchen wearing Jeans and a
hoodie.

KEVIN what are you wearing? 

KEVIN looks down at his feet and scans upward.

MITCH 

Why don’t you have your suit you 

little shit. 

KATE 

(to MITCH) 

HEY! 

(To Kevin) 

You do remember where we’re 

going today, right? 

CUT TO 

INT. MINIVAN- AFTERNOON

KATE drives with MITCH in the passenger seat and CLINT and
KEVIN in the back. KATE rolls down the front windows.

MITCH 

Mom! 

KATE 

What? 

MITCH 

My hair. 

She rolls it up  

I’m gonna kill you. 

KATE 

You’re gonna kill me? I’m gonna 

tell your girlfriend that you said 

that. 

MITCH 

No you’re not because you’ll be 

dead. 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 4. 

CLINT begins slumping over towards KEVIN’s side of the
car. KEVIN inches toward his window.

KATE 

Watch it i- i brought you into this 

world so I can break your neck. 

MITCH 

You couldn’t break bread. 

KATE 

What does that mean? 

CLINT moves over more and his head is almost touching
KEVIN’s shoulder. KEVIN twists his body away from CLINT and
is now hugging the door.

KATE 

What does that even mean? 

MITCH 

That you’re weak. 

KATE 

If you’re father were still alive 

we’d BOTH take turns kicking your 

ass. 

MITCH 

When your dead and you see Dad 

tell him about this conversation so 

he can have a laugh. 

CLINT’s head trickles down and stops a hair from KEVIN.
Drool begins to pool on his lip and spill down. KEVIN
stiffens as it falls onto the seat.

KATE 

We are done. This is your 

punishment. 

KATE turns on the radio. 

MITCH 

NO! Not this song! 

They pull into a parking lot and Kate gets a space up
front. CLINT is now in half consciousness with his head
hovering over KEVINS lap.

KATE 

CLINT, Wake Up! We’re here. 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 5. 

CLINT wakes up. KEVIN unbuckles himself and rips open the
door. The Sun burns his eyes and his pale face. A group of
children walk by and laugh at the overdressed kid.

MITCH 

Told you not to dress like that. 

KATE 

Let’s go. 

CUT TO 

EXT. POOL PARTY- DAY

A banner that says "Youth Group Pool Party ft. Music by The
Cod Fishers for Christ" Most of the boys are fighting in the
pool. The girls are laying out on the chez lounges in their
one peices. KEVIN sits under the hot son with his legs
against his folded arms. On the poolside stage is a man in
white and black.

BROTHER JAKE 

Hey Y’all. Let’s all welcome in 

this glorious day. Thank you 

Parents and Children and i see some 

of you single adults mingling. 

Thats all good business, the Lord 

wants it. I’m just so filled with 

it today guys. I’m so full of it. 

Aren’t you? Why can’t we say that? 

I’m just talking about the Spirit. 

I can be full of it right? It’s ok 

to be full of the spirit isn’t it? 

Say it with me. I am full of it! 

ALL 

I am full of it! 

BROTHER JAKE 

That’s right you are. We are all 

full of it for Christ Sake. 

(peppered laughter) 

Well aren’t we. Since when is it 

bad to say that? Who said it was 

wrong to say that? I’m a cool guy 

right. Im Brother Jake. You know 

me. Why is it bad to say that? We 

all believe in Christ, right? We 

all Love christ, don’t we? We all 

know what he did for us don’t we? 

He died for us y’all. He let those 

people nail him to a cross, for us 

and even for them. He did it for 

(MORE) 

(CONTINUED) 

CONTINUED: 6. 

BROTHER JAKE (cont’d) 

our sake so why cant we do 

everything for christ’s sake! Well 

that’s what we’re gonna do today 

y’all. So have fun for christ’s 

sake! 

A group of girls begins staring at KEVIN. Laughter. One of
them walks up to him and sits on the chair to his left. He
glances.

GIRL 

Hey, is it true that you’ve never 

kissed a girl before? 

KEVIN stares at his hands

GIRL 

It’s ok if you haven’t. Have you 

ever touched a girl, you 

know...there? I guess what i’m 

trying to ask is if you’ve ever had 

sex with a girl? Have you? You 

haven’t. Not even a little bit. 

What if i told you that if you 

followed me into the bathroom right 

now i would have sex with you. What 

would you say to that? Nothing. 

Well then i’m gonna leave and i’ll 

see if you follow me. 

She gets up and walks away. Stops. Looks back at KEVIN
sitting still. Walks back to the chair.

GIRL 

Wow. You don’t even have a boner. 

You’re not gay are you? Nope. Well 

your loss. 

She puts her mouth next to his ear and whispers.

GIRL 

You just made me lose a bet 

asswipe. 

She licks his ear and walks back shaking her head. KEVIN is
stuck with fear. He’s urinating over himself. With half of
his pants dry he picks himself up and walks over to the side
of the pool and falls in.

Thats its for now. Tune in next time. 

My New Script Idea

I racked my brain off and on for 8 whole hours to think of something I would like to write. A story that would really get me motivated and i'm happy to say that I've thought of it. And Disney helped. I'm going to write my own version of Freaky Friday.
My script will have the same basic premise where in the book and films it was about a mother and daughter switching bodies, hilarity ensues until the denouement where the five stages of grief occur. In my version it won't be a mother and her child switching bodies, instead it will be a Priest and the child he's molesting.


It will be called Good Friday and it's going to be about vengeance and sexuality. It's a comedy!

I will be posting pages as i write them. Hope you enjoy.

God Bless

Ladies, You Are Beautiful Just the Way You Are but if you aren't then shoulder pads won't help....really

Wikipedia says that in 2007 shoulder pads started to appear in fashion again and may be making a comeback. I sure hope not. I like women to look like women and not NFL quarterbacks. If your fashion influences are the characters in Dynasty or Paula Poundstone then maybe you need to discover Audrey Hepburn or hey, i've seen a lot of girls in NY pull off the Diane Keaton... hell I pull off a mean Diane Keaton just ask any of the many people who hate the way i dress.

I look great.

I'm having a difficult time writing this because earlier i was talking casually (i thought) about this and then said comic adds:

"I want a broad with shoulders but not one with broad shoulders!"

I almost threw up. So forgive me but i'm trying not to type anything that suggests "barf funny" im so disgusted.

Anyway,

I remember that my Mom used to have a lot of shoulder pads lying around and i think thats why I don't dig em'. Nothing against my mother, it was just earth shattering finding out that she didn't really have the biggest shoulders in the world. And that underneath the sports jacket wasn't tissue but tissue paper. I DID IT! I FREAKING DID IT! That was exactly what i didn't want to happen. Now i'm dead inside. Horrible sentence.

I'll make it up to you; enjoy this video in which my mother plays the voice of a butthole.

Ok in the video i look more like Scott Pilgrim and not Diane Keaton

"That hat. That F*****g hat."

You'll Go to Hell For Laughing

I saw a couple yell at their kid for laughing at a painting of a nude woman. They said that he wasn't allowed to laugh at art. It was mainly because the parents themselves were embarrassed and how dare that child make a fool out of them! Doesn't he know that laughter is supposed to be controlled and not spontaneous. I feel horrible for that couple so i want to put up a video that i know will make them die laughing. This is for you guys its right up your alley.

HEADLINERS

Residents of Far Rockaway, NY  Say "It's closer than you'd think"

Hugh Hefner Planning Issue Of Playboy Magazine to Ft. Older Models Called "Hef's Hares"

David Blaine Makes Public Interest In Himself Disappear

7 Year Old Prodigy Could Be the Next John Lennon Many Gunning After Him

George Lucas Says New Star Wars Film is "Completely Animated" Fans Of The New Trilogy Unsure of the Difference

Law And Order Given Green Light For Another Season Struggling New York Actors May Have a Reaction Shot After All

"Take Your Daughter To Work Day" a Notable Mistake at Local Prison

Born Again Christian Finds New And Exciting Ways To Make Mistakes

Apple Takes My Money And Laughs

I made a commitment to write a new post everyday but yesterday there was nothing to write. Well, there was a lot to write yesterday but no way to do it.  Below is a picture of my laptop charger. 

The exposed wiring must be some sort of sign; i didn't listen to the warnings. Actually my biggest fear was of setting the place on fire so i always unplug the chargers for my phone and computer and 3 pronged fan that i fit into a 2 prong socket. So after work i saw that the equipment was out of order so after doing a couple shows and hanging out with friends i made my way to the 24/7 apple store at 3 in the morning. After paying nearly the exact cost of the computer i got my new charger. Take a gander. 

face/off

Super Classy.

Perfection.

$85 though. Thats almost half the cost of a new iphone. RIP OFF. Anyway, now i can write, again! Hopefully that nipple will last. 

Classic Ad's From a Comic Book Geeks Box of Broken Dreams

I love comic books, especially the the old ones you find in bargain bins for mere quarters. They are usually horrible but they are also usually from the early nineties late eighties so the ads are awesome. You've got to hand it to the comic book publishers, they really know who their readers are. 

First up is Brach's Rocks introducing Rocky D. Dinosaur Extraordinaire.

At first i thought to myself "Rocky D. Dinousaur Extraordinaire, really? That name is lame sauce." But then i realized he's a living dinosaur who can talk wearing a letterman jacket, sunglasses and he's siting on a convertible (maybe his). Extraordinary indeed.  

Panel 1: Ohmigod its a Dinosaur thats not scary at all. 

Panel 2: Hey I'm gonna use dinosaur humor to lure you in. Did you get it? Because we all know that brontosaurus' have terrible heigeine. 

Panel 3: Look the asianexicindian girl trailblazes the transaction. 

Panel 4: Pusher describes his product. 

Panel 5: The first hit is always free.

Panel 6: The first hit is always the best. 

Panel 7: Who cares.

First its "Hey Kids, Do you eat rocks?" Then its "Hey kids, Do you smoke rocks?"

I think Rocky D. and Robbie Sinclaire have a lot in common. 

"Hey kids, Do you smoke Herb?"

My kinda dino.

Next is an advertisement for Cliffnotes. 

It might as well say "If You Have Trouble Understanding Books Without Pictures and Thought Bubbles, Use This Nerd-O."

Questions asked to classmate while taking a quiz on Scarlet Letter in 10th grade English.

"Dude, what color is the scarlet letter again?"

"Pearl is the daughter, right? Hey, have you seen The Landlord sketch?"

"How close is this book to the movie The Crucible? 'Cuz i watched that like two years ago." 

Moving on.

Why cant we have more of these great ideas: Kool-Aid Man Video Game? How bout the 7 Up dot game for the Genesis?  

Kool Aid Man has the highest score on brickbreaker. Wacka Wacka. 

Is he a christ-like figure? Why does he hold a mini pitcher as if to say "this is my blood, drink from it."

Games premise is to mix kool-aid before the "thirsties" get you. I know its lame to say "Why play  wii tennis when you can just play real tennis etc." But why pretend to mix kool-aid and add a horribly fake element of danger?

Well above i wrote about something this game advertises. "Become a jedi without ever leaving home." Yes. Become something that doesn't exist by staying home. Sadly, I would have bought this game and still will when they come out with Star Wars Clone Wars: Lightsaber duels for Wii! And Scene. 

Thousands Gather in South Korea to be in Live Action "Where's Waldo?" Film

Recently I sat down with director Nick LaShane on location for his film adaptation  of "Where's Waldo?". 

Look down at that street, how many people are in this film? 

It has to be more than 100,000 people down there. Most of them are extras, but we have some of the best extras in this film. Mike Balucci he's been in every film wedding scene since 1990. We also have Gibbons McQuerie who has been in the background of every one of scorceses' dinner scenes. April Fischel, Ted Kyurio, Mitzio Nagai i could go on. Extra's are very important in a film like this especially since you want the location of the protagonist to remain a secret. So its tough because they all know where he is, right? However, they have to act as if they don't know where he is because the last thing you want is for all of them to be looking at Waldo it would kill the mystery.

Actual still shot from the film. 

This'll be great on Imax.

So this will be a faithful adaptation?

Absolutely, as a director i like to stand back and let the actors do their thing. So not only do i get to stand back, i stand way back. There are no close ups its all landscapes. This set is all about the mystery, when i shout 'action' i am so far away i can't tell where the actors are or if they're even in the scene but it's o.k. because it's not the cameras job to show you where they are, you have to find them. 

Is there some sort of plot? 

Yes, its a story within a puzzle. Is the story also a puzzle? I can't say. But you'll see a carnival filled with people all doing different things; a guy tying balloon animals, a giraffe eating a guys hat, a carousel twirling with children. At the same time you can hear Waldo and the action going on, but, Where is it? Where is the action? You have to find it. You have to find Waldo. 

Is there any way you can tell us, who is playing waldo?

(laughs) No way! But i can tell you a little about Waldo. He's a traveller who has been every where in every time. He loves books. But he also, as you may remember, used a cane. Something made him a cripple and he fights with his inner demons, but he also gets to see the sphinx! So in that respect its a mystery for the audience within an art house film about a four-eyed cripple who wears half his pajamas all the time and its an action movie that will make you cry. 

There's been reports saying that due to the massive production that you have encountered some protesting on set, is that true?

Yes, unfortunately some people don't understand the process of making art. And-like today- we have an entire mile of a major city street blocked off. So of course some of the people of south korea are going to be upset, because they don't understand true art. But in the end it helps me out because all the protesters are just another peice of the film. 

You just shot the scene with them in it?

Yeah, why you think they're in SAG?

Where do you see Waldo Next?

In Carmen San Diego. Oh No, that sounded so dirty! I'm not making a Waldo/San Diego porno. 

I'd pay a lot of money to see that.

I was actually thinking of doing more of a film like "Innerspace" except Waldo would play the Dennis Quaid role. He would shrink down and go inside of Carmen San Diego. It would be called Where in the Carmen San Diego is Waldo? 

Sounds like a long title. Mouthful.

Uh, Wheres Waldo in Carmen Sand Diego?

Still sounds like a porno.

(Laughter) Yuck it does. How gross.

Sometimes I paint my wango like a barber pole and play "Wheres Waldo?" with the ladies. I put it in "uh where's waldo" take it out "oh there he is!" and repeat.

I do something, i dress it up to look like an ostrich and then i bury it's "head" into the metaphorical dirt. 

That is the least romantic thing i've ever heard

Well what about your sick thing?

Mine was funny we had a laugh. I didn't call her tunnel of love a dirt purse. You're an idiot. 

Go Check Out "Where's Waldo?" Summer 2009. 

Where is Waldo? 

HINT: He's the one thats not Asian.

Iraq Changes Name to America, Original American Soldiers Confused and Finally Return Home

Douglasville, GA

Mr. and Mrs. Smith-Martin are huddled on the living room couch. Surrounded by three of their children. Slouched on the right side with her arms folded over her t-shirt that reads "feminista" is 17 year old July (pronounced Julie). All three of them are watching as the two youngest boys Clifton and Hewes, ages 12 and twins, play Street Fighter II on the dusty Sega Genesis. 

The only missing Smith-Martin is the eldest son Elton, and they are excited for his return. The Smith-Martin bunch had been supporters of the Iraq invasion but due to President Jalal Talabani's decision to change the states name to America the family had rethought their position. Mr. Smith-Martin, a former high school football player turned stay around dad said that he "could not begin to imagine [his] son over their killing other Americans."

In Washington, D.C. the response was that of jealousy. In a meeting between Presidents Bush and Talabani, George W. pleaded unsuccessfully that they would alter their name to contain a direction such as "East" America or "Middle East" America. U.S. troop morale's are low, one has to look no further than soldiers' facebook pages where current moods are "confused". Former Iraqi troops, now American Soldiers, are under duress as well which brought about last weeks cease fire. Even non military suicide bombers have now targeted other suicide bombers because as one said, " I still believe in what i do, we all do. There is a great support system, I'm meeting a lot of great people and can be proud to die with all of them." 

At the Smith-Martin household the twins are about to assign character to do battle. The parents see an emptiness that will soon be filled. "We are so happy that our son is leaving America and coming home." Clifton picks first and chooses Ken because "he's the coolest". Hewes is next and also picks Ken. This poses no problem for the twins who can easily tell the difference "because the first one is white and normal and the other one is a different color."

Doug's Ripped Out Journal Pages Revealed #1

Douglas Yancey Funny a.k.a. "Doug" religiously kept a journal filled with fantastical adventures, whimsical drawings and moralistic writings. 

Sometimes, however, they contained deep, dark and dirty Doug thoughts. And those pages flooded his trash can, never to be seen.... 

until now. 

Can you really love someone if you can't spell their last name? Doug thought so. 

thanks ecj

men shocked to find out that the glass ceiling women refer to has been underneath them all along

"Mrs. Clinton said her campaign left "about 18m cracks" in the "highest, hardest glass ceiling". 

- The Economist

There is no contesting that statement, she and her staff have done what was once believed to be impossible. Which would explain this original version of a familiar scene from 1971's film Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. (see below)

Int. The Great Glass Wonkavator- Day

Wonka, Charlie and Grandpa Joe enter the Wonkavator. 

Charlie

Wow! What is this?

Wonka

It's the Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the wonkavator can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways....

Grandpa Joe

Does she go BOTH ways?

Wonka

Your a dirty old man.

Grandpa Joe

I just made all over myself!

Wonka

I've pressed every button except this one. Go ahead, charlie.

Charlie

Me?

(he pushes the button)

Wonka

There it goes. Hold on tight.

Charlie

Where are we going?

Wonka

Up and out!

Grandpa Joe

But this roof is made of glass if we don't get enough speed we'll never get through, will we?

Wonka

Probably, if we were women.

The End

As Hillary climbed higher and higher the focus for discussion became the untidiness of the Male side of the glass ceiling. One former female member of Clinton's staff asked, "How can these men get so high up and be so f****ng filthy?" After which she retaliated with another question, "Well, is someone going to answer me?"

Above, on the male side, an insider said that the general feeling is that "if [they] clean [their] side its just gonna get dirty again, so what's the point?"

When Hillary finally made it to the glass ceiling the man looking through at her was Barack Obama. Tensions were high as Clinton's staff looked on as she pounded away while Obama made an energized case for change. Below is a re-enactment of what actually happened. The dialogue is unchanged. In the end everyone is happy...but Hope won.

 

alt i a l fin
by theluisdotcom